Adam Sandler - Toll Booth Willie

Performed by adam sandler, rob schneider, tim meadows, david spade, steve koren, tim herlihy, and margaret ruden



[car approaches]

Toll booth willie: welcome to worchester. dollar twenty-five please.

M1: hey, how ya doin’ toll booth willie?

Toll booth willie: good! thanks fer askin, pop!

M1: aww, that’s great, you know, considering yer a fuckin’ idiot!

[pays toll and drives off]

Toll booth willie: go fuck yourself you son of a bitch! I’ll come right outta the booth and fuckin’ whack ya, you fuckin’ prick!



[another car approaches]

M2: hey, hey, willie! hows it going?

Toll booth willie: hey, can’t complain, pop. hows ’bout you?

M2: oh, great, great. how much?

Toll booth willie: the state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop.

M2: that’s fine. now should I give you the money, or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?

[pays toll and drives off]

Toll booth willie: why you fuckin’ hard on! I’ll fucking carlton fisk yer fuckin’ head with a louise-ville fuckin’ slugger! whadya think of that ass fuck!?



[another car approaches]

F1: hi willie.

Toll booth willie: oh, nice to see ya m’am. not a bad day, huh?

F1: well, I’m a little lost. could you help me out? I hear your the best with directions.

Toll booth willie: well I know my way around new england. I can tell ya that much. so where ya headed?

F1: well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive up your ass. you know, if you’d tell me, I’d appreciate it, you fuckin’ prick.

[drives off]

Toll booth willie: you fuckin’ bitch! fuck you! you forgot to pay the fuckin’ toll you dirty whore! I’ll fuckin’ drop you with a boot to the fuckin’ skull you cum guzzling queen!



[another car approaches]

M3: hey willie.

Toll booth willie: hey, how are ya?

M3: here’s a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself.

[pays toll and drives off]

Toll booth willie: dah, you fuckin’ prick! I hope you choke on a fuckin’ bottle cap, ya fuckin’ son of a fuck! eat shit! eat my shit!



[another car approaches]

Bishop nelson: hello willie. good to see you.

Toll booth willie: ahhh, bishop nelson. nice to see ya. that was quite a sermon you had the other day.

Bishop nelson: hey, well I do my best.

Toll booth willie: dollar twenty-five, bishop.

Bishop nelson: dollar twenty-five, willie. isn’t that the same price your mother charges for a blow job, you piece of dog shit!?

[pays toll and drives off]

Toll booth willie: ohhh! have another one, you fuckin’ lush! it’s not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin’ douche bag!



[another car approaches]

M5: hey!

Toll booth willie: well hey!

M5: yeah, do you want the money, or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?

[pays toll and drives off]

Toll booth willie: well, I already heard that one you fuckin’ unoriginal bastard! go suck a corn you fuckin’ piece of repeatin’ shit!



[another car approaches]

F2: hi.

Toll booth willie: oh, hi. how are ya?

F2: fine, thank you. how much is the toll please?

Toll booth willie: for you sweetheart, it’s a dollar twenty-five.

F2: here ya go.

[pays toll]

F2: thank you.

[begins to drive off]

Toll booth willie: hey! hey! honey! would you like a receipt with that?

F2: oh, I almost forgot. thank you so much.

[toll booth willie scribbling a receipt for her]

Toll booth willie: and here ya are.

F2: umm, do you think you could sign it?

Toll booth willie: oh, uh.. sign it?

F2: yeah, sign toll booth willie was here.

Toll booth willie: ok, sure. uhh, by the way, what is this for?

[signing receipt]

F2: just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the biggest fuckin’ dip shit with the smallest dick alive. you understand.

[drives off]

[crumples up paper]

Toll booth willie: fuck you, you fuckin’ upity bitch! I’ll fuckin’ fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fuckin’ mothers! you’re gonna die, bitch! I’m comin’ o

The booth! [opens the door and runs out of the booth]



[car screeches and hits him]

Toll booth willie: ooooh! my fuckin’ leg!

M6: hey! you ran over toll booth willie!

M7: oh my god! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a

Dried up stinky dick licker.

Toll booth willie: why you fuckin’ pricks. I fuckin’ hear every fuckin’ word yer saying! when this fuckin’ leg heals, I’m gonna kick you guys new fuckin’ assholes!



[everyone cussing eachother out]